"Okay, now I'll allow Rajid to finish up with the most recent stories. Between the two of us, you should have enough of a backstory to fully appreciate what's about to happen this evening." Rajid looked verily giddy at the concept of continuing the story.
"So, Chet has never been good at getting girls." Rajid began, "This sounds really mean but he just doesn't have the looks and he doesn't have the personality either. He has always been jealous of both me and Jack because we tend to attract girls all the time without trying. But he won't take our advice—"
"Rajid," Jack interrupted, "Klaus is not going to judge you, continue on with your story."
"Sorry, I just feel bad. Okay, a few months ago, Jack met my friend Kelly. She is good looking so obviously Jack decided to pursue her in his own way...smiling at her. He had already asked her out on a date by the time he discovered that Chet had a crush on her. Of course, Chet had known her for several months and never said anything about his crush but somehow thought that everyone should know. He got really mad at Jack and wouldn't talk to him; Jack would show up at places with Kelly and run into Chet. Chet would sulk in the corner and then bitch to me about it later. Once, Jack even wrote Chet a letter explaining that he actually kind of liked Kelly and he wasn't just pursuing her to spite Chet; it was really nice, but Chet somehow took that as a declaration of war. Kelly and Jack didn't work out—" Jack interrupted here again,
"You can say it, Rajid, she rejected me because I wasn't a communist." Jack laughed, obviously not bothered by it one bit.
"Yeah, but she wanted to fuck you, obviously." Rajid retorted before continuing his story, "Anyway, Chet still hasn't forgiven Jack and won't return any of his phone calls. I think Jack has given up trying to patch things up at this point." A nod from Jack confirmed this statement.
"So, flash forward a few months, Chet has a crush on another one of my friends, Dana. I've known Dana forever and we're very close. Chet and Dana were out on what Chet thought was a date but I don't think Dana agreed with that assessment. They called me late in the evening, I was already in bed, and asked if they could stop by. I told them that they could come over if they wanted to crawl into bed with me. So they did. Dana crawled into bed beside me as Chet sat in a chair, staring a hole in the blankets. Now, you don't know me yet, but I am like this with girls. I love my girlfriend more than anything and Chet knows this. He also knows that I'm overly friendly with girls so I have no idea what his problem was. But it was pissing me off. So I decided to take Dana's bra off, with one hand. Then I had her mount me and give me a massage. Chet decided it was time to go. He didn't speak to me for a few days."
Jack dusted his tux off and went to the door. "Well, I guess you're all caught up, Klaus, alons y!" As we headed for the car, Rajid whispered to me,
"I arranged for Dana to be here tonight. Her being attractive, and Jack being Jack; Chet is bound to learn a lesson." I was impressed.
We picked up Rajid's girlfriend, Marron, on the way. She was in on the "teach Chet a lesson" plan and talked about it with wicked joy. Jack waltzed into the event as he always did, like he was walking onto a yacht. The three of us were in tow as he greeted friends and clients, politely introducing me to those he deemed worthy.
Rajid sidled up to Jack, pointing to a table at the other end of the room. "There's Dana, and Chet is at the same table. Oh shit, Kelly is there, too." He turned to me, Jack was already gliding through the crowds, tails flowing behind him.
Jack hugged Kelly just enough to draw an uncomfortable look from Chet, who obviously had no idea that Jack was going to be at the event. Jack ruffled Chet's hair and kissed him playfully on the cheek, Chet turned from him and muttered what could have been a "fuck off". Jack then turned to Dana, bowed to her as he introduced himself and wrapped her in a "too warm for formality" embrace while kissing her cheek in a not so playful manner.
I sat in a booth which Jack had somehow managed to secure. He was busy throwing back drinks which he had convinced other people to purchase for him. He was leaning over me, whispering to Marron that if she continued to buy him drinks, he would come home with her and make her take advantage of him. He looked around, "Where's Rajid? He needs to know what manners of perversity you're going to unleash upon my body tonight." Marron was laughing hysterically and play slapping him in mock desperation. We eventually spied Rajid, talking to three relatively attractive young ladies. "Uh oh, babes," Jack slurred, "looks like he has the same idea that you do. I'll go over to ensure he doesn't accidentally pick them up."
We watched him slyly approach the group, exchanging words with Rajid and then presenting himself in his most flamboyant manner to the young women. They seemed to giggle more than usual and the conversation was obviously halted by Jack's presence. He politely made his exit and came sauntering back to us. Kelly had made her way to our table at this point and we were politely chatting as Jack reentered, climbing over me and planting himself on Marron's lap.
Before she could push him off, Rajid was at the table, laughing hysterically. He launched into an explanation of his conversation with the three young women in the corner.
"So I saw them all on their phones, giggling. I walked up and told them that there were so many interesting people around, it was a shame for them to spend all of their time playing on the phone. They told me that I didn't know what they were talking about. So, obviously I asked them. They said they were talking about that guy, pointing to Jack. They called him Jon Hamm and announced that he had a huge dick." Kelly choked on her drink at this point and tried to cover it up with a laugh. "I was so surprised, I asked them how they knew. They were confused and explained that they had been talking about the actor Jon Hamm, they showed me pictures of him in swimming shorts. I told them that Jack also had a giant dick." Jack blushed at this,
"Christ, Rajid, is this your normal method of picking up birds?" Rajid brushed him aside and continued,
"They asked if I could prove it—"
"Oh, shit." Jack interrupted, "You didn't?"
"I did, you're the one who sent it to me. I took out a picture of Jack in nothing but a bathrobe, open at the front, and showed it to them. That was right when Jack walked up so they were still giggling." Everyone at the table burst out laughing. Jack grinned and winked at the table of young women who were now staring at him.
"I'm out for a fag, are you joining me, Rajid? Klaus?" Jack stood up and verily cat-walked out the door. Rajid and I followed him out.
Our conversation about bicycles and hippies was interrupted by Dana rushing outside,
"Rajid, who's dick are you showing to my friends from the book club?" We all laughed,
"I think that would be mine." Jack said with a drunken smile. Dana looked him up and down,
"No. They said it was big."
"Hey!" Jack with mock sensitivity.
"No offense, but they said it was really, really big." Jack smiled again,
"That was so nice of them to say, gosh, I'm almost blushing." Dana looked him up and down again, an almost hungry look crossing her face.
"You need to leave now," she pushed him inside the event center, "Rajid, show me that picture." Jack merrily danced back into the event to gleefully explain to Marron what was occurring outside. She didn't seem to thrilled that her boyfriend was pimping out their friend's penis picture but she shrugged it off and ordered another round of drinks.
In the meantime, Chet and a few others had started playing a game involving men lifting up their shirts and women attempting to pop fire-snappers on their bare flesh. Jack watched the shag carpet that was Chet's stomach almost light on fire with rapt amusement. Dana, who had somehow managed to slip back inside unnoticed, suggested that Jack play. He politely declined, claiming that he was wearing too many layers. A group of people, mostly women, continued to pester him until he gave in and lifted up his shirt to reveal the obvious; a perfectly chiseled and hairless stomach. The girl throwing the fire-snapper completely missed, popping it close to his crotch. He said something sly and seductive and sat back down, readjusting his attire. Chet was mortified.
By the time we decided to leave, the event had died down. Dana was dancing around Jack, Kelly was toying with her straw in an unconsciously seductive manner, and Chet was sitting in the corner, drinking, glaring at Jack, and attempting to draw the girls' attention by yelling stupid things from time to time. Dana gave Jack a disturbingly clinging hug while whispering something in his ear. He chuckled and said that he would see her at the next book club meeting.
As Jack handed out phone numbers like party favors to us in the car, we unanimously decided that it had been a successful evening.
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